22 Juni 2026

untitled notes, to untitled feelings.

kita adalah jejak-jejak setapak masa lalu yang perlahan terkikis waktu. bebatuan itu telah ditanami rerumputan hijau, sedikit demi sedikit menutupi arah jalan pulang. ke masa di mana rasa bertumbuh, ke rumah yang bukan lagi milikku. dalam genggamnya kau menitip seuntai emas dibalut nama belakangmu. dalam pesonanya, kamu perlahan beranjak dari semestaku. 

kita tidak lagi bersatu dalam gelap malam. di mana aku membisikkan seutas mimpi, dijalin dengan cerita-cerita hidup yang terbagi. kepada duniamu yang jauh dari gapaianku. dan duniaku yang enggan kau pilih untuk diselami. dua setapak yang beriringan, namun tak akan pernah bersilang. se-jalan pulang, pada pintu yang berbeda. 

kita adalah suatu masa, tak ber-asa. tak punya nama. tak dimiliki
sampai kita bertemu pada kata sepakat. tidak perlu diadili, siapa yang lebih besar mempunyai rasa. tidak perlu ditimbang, seberapa banyak sesal tanpa kata. waktu yang telah terbuang, mereka hanyalah waktu kala kita meratapi lara. semua telah menjadi kenangan, dan waktunya menutup pintu itu. 

kita telah menjadi museum. atas hati yang saling kita patahkan. atas cerita yang ditulis, bersaing mencari siapa antagonis dari kisah ini. atas masa lampau, yang akhirnya hanya dapat kita lihat. kagumi

aku tersenyum melihat bayangmu perlahan menjauh menjemput sang mentari. dalam duniaku yang gelap bertitik gemintang malam, aku titipkan semua yang telah kutuliskan tentangmu. kepada rumah lama yang kini telah kita tinggalkan. kepada sang rembulan, kita tutup kisah tak memiliki akhir ini. 


// adalah akhir, dari segala takdir
22.06.26; 9.59pm



now playing:
taylor swift - the 1

29 Mei 2026

if this a restart
from all those breakdowns 
to all the sunshine & butterflies
i hope
this time, ends well 

22 Mei 2026

ps: 
if you dare to say goodbye
i'd say goodbye too
and never bother anymore

H+9.

i feel like my 20s is the longest phase of my life. it's only 28 right now, but it felt like it's been twenty additional years from my teen ages. heartbreaks, lost of some family, pandemic, global economic issues, wars, lost sparks about life. it's been both of highest highs and lowest lows. depressing time, lonely hours. nothing to hold on to, lost in the damn wide ocean

ten years ago, i thought i knew what my life would be. i thought, i figured out my life since i was in a path i've made. a partner in my 20th, graduated in 21st, having a job since then, married at 27th. and maybe having a kid (or two? i don't know). but normal life stopped at twenty nineteen and your life turned to be a survival mode. 

mondays were for figuring out what to do the next four days. in tuesdays, you felt like you worked twice harder than any days. your boredom hit its best at wednesdays, two more cups of coffee to cure it. you've longed for weekends on thursdays, and the week felt a little bit longer than usual. the chaos before weekends started to hit fridays and you ended up takin' overtime to get done everything. saturdays were for keeping up with your sleeps or your closest friends and family. sunday mornings were for laundry and cleaning up your weekly mess at home. when the clock's finally hit evening, your soul started to be drained for mondays. 

and the cycle goes on and on and on. i've lost myself to the mess. the hands that tried to help, i smiled and said "no, thanks". the words that screamed s.o.s., i joked it as an ugly poem. sometimes i wished i could go back into the time where i decided to be somewhere far away from home. or maybe further back when i chose where to get my degree. or maybe going back more than that. some choices made you better, but most of them were lesson learnt. like the love i've lost to the hands not mine. like the major that maybe i liked it 25% better than the path i took. like home that should've been closer to the heart.

it's only 28 right now. they said life expectancy of a woman in this country is at 74. another 46 years of me figuring out what chaos i'll be into. but maybe, it's another 46 years of better chances. at least, i'll never be as young as today anymore


ps:
have fun in the last 2 years of your twenties. 
cheers. xo.

15 Mei 2026

we are, daughter(s) from hell.

hello, from below the mother earth. 
where you shoved the blame,
put the flame to all the evidences. 
we are the daughters of forgotten daughters. 
they were your mothers
your grandmothers, great-great ones
a box full of lost dreams, regrets. 
they witch-hunted our spirits, 
let us burnt with the rage.
they smirked, with fire in their eyes. 
life flashes in ours.
the fire lived in our soul,
the drive to change the world. 
where in this world we have a place?
hello, from the hell you put us into. 
watch our wrath annihilate your ego.


// monsters you made.
15.05.26; 3.50pm

7 Mei 2026

day 7: looking over my shoulder (lettersfrrompersephone)

the world we once knew, falling apart. the west, the east, even the country we deeply love and hate. for all i know, we're not okay. will we be okay someday? 

the new normal became a term that undefinable. we talked, we worked, the streets seemed going back to the traffic we once hated. yet the air felt different. the price went off the market. people we knew, new graves we visited. lookin' out the window, you felt like you're not sure about the future

for quiet some time, you're looking out your shoulder. you breathed the air fine, but are you sure it's only the oxygen that coming into your life? you walked down the street like you used to, but are you sure you're okay walking alone at the night not knowing how people thought about the smallest opportunity? you've spent enough money for coffees to get out of your bed, but are you sure you still have enough to live for another paycheck? 

breathe in. 
breathe out. 

and the news came in.
new virus' unlocked. 

i think i'm close enough to be called crazy rather than getting married someday.


// is there any 'one day' anymore? 
07.05.26; 9.06pm

5 Mei 2026

day 5: my veins are filled with ink

i don't remember the first time i tried to talk through these words. i am the first-born child who tried to express how i felt, but my brain stopped me from making any facial movements about all those kind of emotions. they tried to define, yet i hid it all well underneath a poker face. the mask i've put on, the mask that said "i am perfectly fine". 

these papers are the evidence of feelings that got lost in time. they said i was so hard to please, i didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. so they walked away, leaving a trail of comfort i once felt when they're around. i've got friends that knew me well, who stood by me after every storm. but the love i've wanted, the ones that carved scars and memories. 

and if i were a book, i would title it a book of regrets. of decisions i chose, of people i left behind, of places i wish i could be in, of who i could've become. those words i wish i could've said it to you, the words that i'd rather turn it into poems. and i shove them all into boxes, tried to move on with all the broken parts of me. and i've moved on, with the walls up and vitrified heart. with the last part of me within the pages you've read. 

for all the wrongs i've done, 
i am forever sorry. 

and for all the love i've never said it,
i'll forever drunk from inks that bleed in papers.
letters to all, letters to none


// and maybe, there will be another ten thousand pages
05.05.26; 1.19pm

3 Mei 2026

day 3: what brings me genuine joy lately

lately, i love to rediscover things in life. like;

playing badminton
somehow i found joy to play it every weekend now. to move my body other than built strength with home pilates i tried from youtube. to meet strangers in the court, to just people watch. because human are complex that i'd like to just observe how they do, or feel, or other humanly things. i've lost my way to feel, and i would like to know how to do it again. 

or ordering good old wonton soup
i have this specific love for chinese food and it's like... undeniable. when i'm down, or sick, or it's a rainy day, i'd like to order any chinese food and today i ordered a good old wonton soup. it warms my heart because it feels like home. some place that out of my reach these days. 

or listening to the tortured poets department
another album that i could replayed it from top to bottom without a skip. back then (or i am still?), i was proudly a 1989 deluxe album fan. the pop bible, they said. the it album. but two years ago 'til now, i always found a new day with a new favorite from this album. i remember the first time i was blown away with songs like florida!!! or down bad. or crying the shit out to the prophecy (who's not?). i—might be—had a moment with the newest album. but until i knew that you liked that one song, i remember that i had never play it again. and now i'm coming back to loml because i'm still not the real tough kid

or when you came back around.
it's been a while. it's been a year. and still, no other word could describe how i feel.


// 
03.05.26; 10.18

29 April 2026

my new favorites and other things i'm not telling you anymore.

did i ever told you about this new old band that became a new favorite in my playlist lately? the lyrics are kinda queer, but i love the sound. kinda hopeless romantic, like feelings i have towards you. lately, they've been on repeat. some of the lyrics reminds me of you. but it's okay, i'm a bit better than the last time you heard from me. 

this new year, i wanted to kinda back on the reading habit. i've done 4 novels and a poetry book recently, and it's kinda exciting. i have this spare time since you left, and the fictions helped me get through the night. and it's okay, truly. maybe i'm getting there with these romcoms i've read. maybe, within these pages i could forget you in time. 

lately, i'm ordering cold brew with some unique flavors. last weekend, i tried the vanilla sweet cream with less sugar. and i added that to the list of my newest favorites. the midday's kinda sweaty right now, and the iced coffees become a go-to-drinks. i kinda ditched those sweet heavy drinks we tried back on that time we wandered through a famous mall. my life became a bit bitter without you in it, and it reflected on how i saw things. 

some days i lived my life the way i did before you came around. tried new things, went to concerts, did everything by my own self. and that's okay. perfectly fine. and some other days, days like this, i wish that i could go to our bubble chat and told you weird things i've found along the way. like the user experience of an app that's so confusing, or annoying driver who parked asymmetrically in front of my office, or how my food order got mixed up. 

it's been a while. don't ask me if i was counting the days yet. instead of patching up the scars of my words, we let the bridges burnt. ashes down the river, memories up with the wind. my words finally find its home, and this piece is about how i am lately.... how are you though?


// some other things, some little things.
29.04.26; 11.58pm

9 April 2026

day 9, part ii.

to be honest, i never knew when the day these feelings started to be something that grew on my mind. i didn't knew the exact date, since our time spanned over the years. over few relationships. and it hit me hard when i tried to examine what our relationship was. it was something undefining for me, the truth is i sometimes still don't understand what was all that

in the night, after you're gone from my notification, i tried to bury myself in misery. i overworked myself, drown in my hobbies, tried to put out my feelings into words. kept your voice out of my mind, left my sanity out of the window. you were the anchor to my anxious ass. so when you're out of the picture, i tried to find another way to calm my waves. the tiny tides you've tamed with stories over those midnights. a hurricane you left inside this mind

as my memory went to somewhere in two thousand something, my mind's wandering through the roads of this town. i still remember. the houses you judged, you asked for my professional comments about those classics; the cafe on a famous alley after a grocery session, i listened to your rants about her; the house of books, the first time in a while. couple of drinks and fast-foods, hundreds of see ya soon. see you, in another lifetime i guess. 

and i always remember the time i almost surrendered to this love. the time you almost gave up on her and asked me instead. the call when you're drunk and spiraling into old love you always felt proud of. the moment you gave me the key to open the other side. and i thought that maybe we would become something. and we're almost became something. i almost said it to you before you fell for her. and this reality could've been something elseyou could've been mine

the grandfather's clock strikes twelve. i shove the memories to a box, years of us that meant nothing. whispers of the night; your stories, my songs, your love. keeping it out of my head. clean slate, they said. click the restart button, undone the years we've spent. erasing half of my life that signed by you on it. 


// every shape of almost; hundred of almost 'us'
09.04.26; 09.56pm



anadeewrites: midnight's whispers
promptsbyjasmine: distant memory
silentlyloudgirl: shape of almost

day 9.

and 
unlike
you,
the
memory
of 
us
stayed.


// lived in my mind, rent free.
09.04.26; 10.17am



facadeofwords: write an eight-word poem
spokensincerely: everything is temporary

1 April 2026

#escapril day 1: begin your poem with a reminder you leave for yourself.

1. re-visit the site. 9 a.m. sharp.
2. revise the details.
3. re-render a room. then post-pro. 
4. re-draw the layouts. 
5. re-write the naming on proposal.
6. re-do the storaging system in my room.
7. re-charge my energy.
8. re-live a life without you in it.


quiet night. un-washed clothes. burn-out. you're not here anymore
i let the notes grow over the time and the last thing i do was moving on. i mean, really overcome the heartaches. for over a year, i just piled those things up on the corner of my heart. the feelings, the aches, the past. i just went day by day, wished that your trace became something that i left on the back of my mind. it is on the back of my mind though, and i still carry it like it was yesterday. the haunting sound of your laugh, your story, your dreams. the haunting regrets of me never said how i really felt for over five years. doesn't it sound crazy now?

tired eyes. lost soul
and then i wished it's just another five years of we keep on the unknown bond. like we did. like we always do. a safe space where we poured the secrets, because no one knows who i am like you did. gosh, i wished it wasn't you that knew my naked soul. someone that i didn't need to arrange any wise word to. someone i didn't need to be somebody else to. yet, you left with someone else. 

your ghost. my sorrow. our secret garden
i'm still standing under the lamppost, the same one back on the february when everything's fine. still hoping, even though i knew. the ring on her finger, the smile you posted, the city i don't recognize anymore. it's just a nail in a coffin full of remorse, mourning for the unspoken i love yous. pieces of heart i tried to bury, pieces of past you've dealt with. 

church's bell rings. the death of me
oh lord, if it wasn't for me, let my heart go numb


// a life after you
01.04.26; 01.05am

16 Maret 2026

#NotesAboutHeartbreak, xiii.

i just wanted to write 
a final goodbye
a final piece to the notes
i left on your porch
but i never quiet have the right words
it stopped, and dusted
i bet
my heart still won't let go
the aches, the feelings, the memories
the last straw i've held on to 
because what's my sanity means
if it's without you?

—to the north star;

to the north star, 
leading me to anywhere
but never a home to this heart.


i was laying on a cold timber 
shattered
adrift in the sea of uncertainty
lookin' at the dark sky 
countin' on how much stars above
too many i've counted
yet nothing's led me 
to the arms that warmth my heart
it's cold—
the night, the life, the soul 
the scars never been healed
you've added another deep cut
the one i've thought to be the one
yet i was just another one
before the one 
and after the night you've touched
my secrets, my sanity, my reality
the lock's changed
the numbers i've been calling, 
you've blocked mine
i've been searching you
in between the constellations
i've been hoping
you're the home to this heart
yet all i knew
i'm drowning in the sea of loneliness
dying—
as the north stars kinda everywhere
but never to a home
to you


// seeing the stars in my eyes, drunk.
16.03.26; 10.28am


tribute to the moon.

#NotesAboutHeartbreak, xii.

heart breaks 
truth hurts
time's slow down
and then you were gone

bridges burnt
ashes flew
yet
the memories stayed 

i set the fire
to my own heart
believing love once again
but never get the chance
what's changing your mind?
i whispered quietly 

i love you

you've told me 
you're sorry

and i'm sorry too
for time that passed by 


// and that was the moment i knew.
16.03.26; 10a.m.

7 Maret 2026

so if i ever let my heart win;

it's funny to me on how you reappeared on my dream last night. effortlessly charming, magnetically calming. the storm inside my head, slowly turns into tiny tide. as you're holding my heart, and i surrendered to these feelings. as you pulled me into the waves, and drown me in this sorrow. my heart ached for love that lasted as i went along to the sea and never been saved. you let me feel and die. and i let myself down to my knees, begging

people always said a funny thing like i never planned to fall but i fall anyway, yet you made the idiom felt so real. you knocked on the back door late at night, that the neighbors wouldn't know. 3 A.M. deep conversations people always glorified for, they said it was the most honest one. and you slipped out off my fingers as the sun went up and acted like we were strangers. blinds up, and i saw her in your arms. it was a nice morning filled with jealousy and loneliness. it was something i wished upon the stars that lasted only at nights. 

but then, my conscious always won. people watching, whispering. so i walked to every directions led nothing to you. my feet's trembling, heart's shattered, longing for something to have. like the warmth of being loved, more than being seen—because that's something you made me feel. or the time that i could call you mine—because you were never been mine. but as i told you that night, i was a dick to leave you once. so maybe it's the time that you left me now

if i ever let my heart win, then my confessions would ended with a question: will you be mine? if i ever brave enough, then maybe we would've been something. and then i woke up and saw you with somebody else. and the aches grew, killing the pieces of my heart. so i let my conscious won, one last time. leaving the daydreams about us getting married or having an adventure of a lifetime. leaving behind feelings and into being another strangers with memories. and maybe, in 20 years ahead, i'll just be somebody else you'll forget


// back to friends strangers.
03.07.26; 10.27pm

25 Februari 2026

day 25: stuck in the moment

and when i looked into those eyes
mesmerized,
the warmth, the home, the anchor 
somewhere i've wanted to stay 
someone i couldn't be with
our fingers intertwined, one last time
the time's frozen up 
let me capture you in my heart 
the calming smile i used to see,
even when the chaotic mondays hit 
the starry eyes lookin' back at me,
when i've told you the annoying coworkers
your contagious laughters,
makin' the room felt lighter 
and then the clock hits twelve,
i'd rather lose your number 
than the pair of glass shoes i've loved,
i'd rather lose you than the last piece of my peace 


// unstuck every piece of us
25.02.26; 3.54pm 

4 Februari 2026

day 4: does the story end happily?

i have this firmly believe that someday—i don't know when though, that i could be madly in love again with someone that gives the same energy as i am. that i'd be finally feel content with my life (i'm not saying happy because life's suck, sometimes) and regretting anything. that even if i face any bad days, someone will bring me a scoop of choco-chip ice cream and laugh the shit together. 

i still believe in love though. looking at how my father and my mother still stand together after all the storms, laughing at stupid things my father did after they argued hard things that felt like a bomb. hoping that someday—i still don't know when though, i could be with someone like i dreamt about my parents do until now. 

approaching late 20s made me realized of things i still wish for when i saw how cool my friends' life are (at least like what i've seen on my social media). it's not even half of them anymore, all of my friends are married now. some of them start to think about their children's school. another half are on their honeymoon phase and their travel stories are lined up so cool. little did i know, i'm still hoping that someday—i still don't fucking know when, i could taste the life that they've showed on instagram. 

hey, future me. this is a letter from me anxiously approaching 28 in couple of months. maybe you've seen this in your 30s (i still think about maybe it's not in near future though), but... are you happy now? when did the life turn out as cool as what you saw on the internet?


// how's life now in the future though? 
04.02.26; 7.48pm

1 Februari 2026

day 1: a touch of sadness

hello. been quite a while of down time. been quite a while for kicking you out of my mind. the pictures of her kissing your cheek, or your words up on your stories of how amazing she was. been quite a while of this madness inside my mind that i didn't quite understand how to calm the storms. because you left, leaving out the mess, leaving me behind with promises and ashes of past i've tried to bury. 

i've been running on nights, like some obsessive runners tried to catch their strava trackers. meanwhile, i was just trying on catching sweat and more tiredness to my body so i didn't have time to think about you late at night. because on last February i could catch you on a call, in all my midnights, in the midst of chaos. on last February, everything was just another days with you somewhere, and we were fine. 

lately, i've been stuck on writing these things. my words were spiraling as i hated my pieces i've made about you. it's all about the pasts, the past we tried to let go, but never been forgotten. it's hanging somewhere we could casually catch whenever we missed the old days. i've been missing those days. but i couldn't crossed the line now that she's on your arms. like i've said to you months ago, like this undefined string we had for years. we danced to this unknown feelings, tried to let go, but pulled right back to the start. to the past we've tried to let go. but never been, maybe we never will. 

these days... i've tried to let go of these feelings. trying hard to put you on these ugly poems you won't read like those birthday notes i sent to you. because maybe, in between these lines, i finally can rest a while from thoughts of you. hoping that as i dumped all my feelings in these words, i could finally step out of this hell hole of undescribed feelings. because if it was love, then i don't want it anymore. 


// touched my face, lingering sad eyes
01.02.26; 11.46pm

22 Januari 2026

with love; confessions of sinners.

i know that i'm not a believer—my friends can vouch for me, but i have confessions to make. and right now, i don't want to go to the priest for my sins. the sins that my friends made fun of after every time i was just done having time with you, the sins that made my heart burst into pieces because sometimes i couldn't handle my feelings, the sins of still looking for you in the crowds

one;
i've loved you. since i had braces that made me hated my old pictures and damn the teenager's hormones for those acnes. since the last time i saw you on my oversized-graduation-robes and you gave me a bouquet of taylor swift's albums. since you told me you loved me, and i saw silliness yet all i said was goodbye. 

two;
i loved you. in between life and stories. in time when i caught you once in a moonlight. driving the highway with those calls up on my speaker, or 'til one of us fell asleep miles apart. held on to the rope on that fragile bridge, hoping that someday we might be. but both of us always tied to the hearts and we just let it happened. you and your hundredth bouquet of roses to the girls that never been me, yet i always wrote those poems to the wrong ones. neither of us gave up searching for the meaning of love in other hands, but we never tried once again in us

three; 
i love you. i told those phrases in between lines, never sent it to your notification. i knew that i was late to realize all those feelings, but no one could ever tell me what love was. those romcoms made me longing for something i couldn't describe, but i can tell you that all i wanted was in you. on feeling secure with who am i, because you knew my cards before the masks i put on for strangers. on feeling calm despite all the chaos of life even just with listening to your concert stories. on feeling loved, but then i never recognized it until you finally left.

four;
goodbye. for a hundredth times now. i've blocked your number and it never worked. i've ran away to another cities and your ghost still chased me. but maybe it hits me when you finally put on your lock to the door i've always knocked, or when your landline's too busy with the love of your life. you drew the line, once again. and i knew my line, at last. it's been years we're circling back to unknown strings that made me questioned life, and maybe this is the end of the race. 

five;
i lied. i've lied to everyone when they asked me if i'm okay. because—i swear to God, it still hurts. to see your name's up on my social medias and it's not with me. to know where you are but not in my arms. but i guess, you knew. and finally, you knew


// swear to God, i never wanted to be just friends
22.01.26; 8.47pm

'26.

it's already January 22nd and my life already all over the place hahaha. i feel like my life doesn't "set" yet. doesn't have any planned goals yet. my 30hbc & posting schedule are lack on. my body just needed rest over and over again. my budgeting all over the place. omg, my life is a chaos. ofc. 

i didn't think much when i wanted to write this. it's like... i just want to dump all things in my mind. like despite all chaos in my life lately, i'm grateful for the growth & crowd di cafe tebing. kayak... untung aja lagi rame. my fam is fine. i think i won't ever be ready if something is happening again. WW3, please don't happen -_- 

i knew i've lacked on writing what's on my mind lately. but somehow, when i opened up old posts here, i think my poems really represented on how i feel. or my thoughts. sometimes, i just want to write beautiful piece like that and that's it. sometimes, yapping like this. with no intentions. with no 'hard thoughts' haha. but yeah, maybe i need a space to dump my anxious ass on new year.... like i always feel. new year always brings me a lil anxiety about life. heavy thought & heavy hearts. muti had been back to bandung, and i feel like i lost a friend to go out to. so yeah......

anyway. 
i think about moving on with my life. i know that it's always a "late" for me to realize some feelings, like feelings towards him, and when it came to a realization... he's with someone else already. then maybe it's my closure. that's when i drew the line and move on. i knew it's hard to mendem perasaan ini tanpa bilang sama sekali. i knew, ini ga sehat untuk terus-terusan ngerasa begini. but life HAS TO GET TO MOVE. i can't stay and just be. i thought about 30hbc being my "sober" mode, but yea it doesn't work like that. i think writing can not be forced for me because i could write the same thing or sentence and i don't like that. so yea. 

we just move on. 
where the wind takes me. 

what else?
this is happening everytime i don't think about what i wanted to write hahaha. and that sucks sometimes. like, what's the point of writing any of this? none. it's just me throwing out thoughts rather than yapping again. i like to write any of this and maybe... move on. 

maybe my word of 2026:
move on. 

9 Januari 2026

#30HBC2609 - yang bertambah satu pada umur.

lilin-lilin berkerlip redup
tas terbaru terbungkus apik dalam kardus
tahun-tahun bertambah satu
harap ditiup pada usia baru
selamat ulang tahun 
serta mulia untukmu


// 16
09.01.26; 08.49am

8 Januari 2026

#30HBC2606 - to the hands that lend me a help:

i've been staring at my fingers, they intertwined to each others. warmed itself while i was running under the rainy sky. the cold was never the problem, yet the loneliness to go through the grey-ish days tried to shaken up my walls. they left— and i've tried to be unbothered. (never been a success attempt)

i've been staring at the windows from the outside. meals, festivities, warm hugs. the christmas people celebrated, the time i decided to be alone. happy faces, lonely heart. and your smile from across the room was enough for me to walk away. 

i've never been able to blame them to raise me as a tough eldest daughter. i've been successfully avoiding the weakest, walked alone through the worst time of the year. i've been the one they turned into when the hard days came over, but never cried at their shoulders. i've been the one they relied on with their deepest, darkest secrets—because they believed that i wouldn't tell any soul. (which soul i'd tell to if there's none)

but those hands that's been trying to take me out of this darkness, never successfully saved me. even from myself. cuts, scars, bloods, tears. every eldest daughters you've met has their own under their skin. even when they wore their best little black dresses, you would never shed the mask they always carried. yet people would always said, eldest daughters were the ones you could count on to.


// hands that i denied
08.01.26; 4.56pm

#30HBC2607 - ya ampuun!

tahun telah berganti dan kesadaran itu menghampiri. ya ampun, sudah mau menambah satu tahun lagi ke umur ini! dua puluh delapan, dan sebagian lingkar pertemanan mungkin sudah memikirkan anak kedua. sebagian memikirkan biaya masuk TK, sebagiannya lagi memikirkan biaya pernikahan. aku, dalam sebagian kecil—yang kuyakini sangatlah kecil, dalam dilema krisis menjadi perempuan di akhir dua puluhan. 

berjalan di kota besar ini membuat rasa itu selalu hadir. tentang mimpi, daftar dari hal-hal fisik yang ingin dimiliki (re: ponsel canggih terbaru, buku jurnal yang harganya di luar akal, novel-novel yang seakan tak ada habisnya), tempat-tempat yang nama makanannya mungkin akan susah dilafalkan, orang-orang baru yang inspirasinya ingin kucicip. terlalu banyak hal di dunia ini yang ingin kucapai, dan berdiri di kota penuh asa ini membuatku melupakan sebagian hal yang telah digapai manusia-manusia seusiaku. 

ya ampun! terlalu banyak bicara!
sedangkan katanya, impian jangan terlalu dipaparkan. hanya perlu dirapal dalam hati, katanya. yang menjadi saksi bisu kesuksesan hanyalah foto-foto yang terpajang apik pada media sosial—medianya orang bahagia. namun mungkin, biarlah lembar ini berbicara. bahwa ada sebagian kecil hatiku yang ingin menjadi seperti mereka


// yang sepi, yang penuh harapan
08.01.26; 4.33pm

#30HBC2608 - rasa, rahasia.

pendam rasa dibalut kata 'kawan'. tahun berganti, namun tetap di dalam lingkar tak berpenghujung. kamu ada, kala hati ini terpaut pada lelaki lain yang bukan kamu. merayu dalam diam, merajuk dalam ketiadaannya. kamu selalu ada, sampai akhirnya ia meninggalkan garis semesta yang kubuat. namun ketika ingin menyapa rasa itu, puan itu menggenggam separuh hatimu. sebuket mawar dan cinta yang diagung-agungkan. aku berdiri di beranda, mengumpulkan serakan hati yang semakin terburai. mungkin memang semestinya kita sama-sama berdiri di depan pintu dan tidak pernah beranjak. hanya menjadi saksi atas berjalannya hidup masing-masing. 

dan lingkar ini tak seperti labirin yang memiliki area masuk pun keluar—meski dihiasi banyak jalan buntu. kita berlari di dalamnya, tarik-ulur tak perlu. aku hanya menunggu, kadang mundur teratur. karena saat ini, yang ada adalah dia, dan netramu tak beranjak. mungkin, kini yang kutunggu hanyalah kehancuran pertemanan ini. mungkin, yang kutunggu adalah kamu berlabuh dan semua rasa yang kita genggam tinggal kenangan. 



// andai matamu, melihat aku
08.01.26; 4.18pm

5 Januari 2026

#30HBC2604 - the things that i'll always miss:

over the time, i've missed a lot of my friends' birthday dates. some of them lingered into my minds—like it's the time to celebrate someone's special days, yet i no longer had any recollection of whom was that for. the time passed by, and the only news i've got about 'em was from their instagram's story section. 

sometimes, i feel like i've missed the fun part of being 20s. pandemic days, the stress of the future, struggling with myself. and then, this economic disaster hit upon my late 20s and to keep myself sane, it's just running away at night. tried to stay afloat, barely hanging on

these days, i've missed your presence. the short wild ride and the tense flirts. the calls up all night and the texts over DMs. i held on to the last chats like it was the only thing that kept me alive—while you're living your life out there, somewhere. i've tried to lose your number or ignore your existence, just to find myself craving that sweet lies and the lost time of us

and maybe in three or five years, i'll miss you. i'll miss your dry jokes and flirty smile. i'll miss my shared story about that blonde girl i used to love and your favorite bands. i'll miss your stories up at night and how you described the differences of UI/UX to my stupid dumb brain. i'll miss these feelings—and then i'll forget about it. because you were the loss of my life. never the are. never been mine

// dual definition of miss; i'd rather missed you than miss you.
05.01.26; 10.27pm

#30HBC2603 - tiga hari memasuki tahun yang telah diperbarui.

Kaki-kaki ini melangkah, menyambut akhir minggu pertama di tahun terbaru. Gempita malam itu telah berakhir, tak lagi tersisa di sepanjang mata ini menyapu jalanan Senayan. Jalanan terasa masih kosong, sepertinya sebagian penghuninya masih bermalas-malasan di penginapan-penginapan pinggir pantai—berharap liburan ini tak berakhir secepat tahun berganti. 

Aku punya sekian alasan mengapa hatiku berlabuh di kota yang katanya tak pernah tertidur ini. Kemudahan transportasi umum yang tak dimiliki kota lain. Cuaca yang lebih ramah dari tempatku dulu bertumbuh. Jangan ditanya, tempatnya terlalu panas sehingga mal-mal di tengah kota selalu menjadi opsi utama menghabiskan akhir pekan untuk bernaung di bawah pendingin ruangan. Tempat-tempat baru yang bisa didatangi, meski rasanya sama seperti enam setengah tahun yang lalu. Dimana hatiku bersemayam, dan tak berusaha pergi. 

Kota ini tak lagi terasa asing, namun tanpanya, melewati tempat-tempat yang sama terasa seperti mengenang sesuatu yang tak pernah nyata. Dalam sekelebat mata, semua berlalu. Tak pernah ada potret pasti, namun rasa yang ditinggal menjadi saksi. Dan pada akhirnya, memori itu kuharap semakin samar. Dengan menjejakkan kaki seorang diri, mengganti semua hantunya yang masih berdiri di pojok gelap sudut mata. 

Dan untuk alasan-alasan baru, untuk kembali merasa hidup. Setiap tahun selalu terasa seperti lembar baru, seperti kala pertama menginjakkan kaki di Gambir kala itu. Ada cerita yang ditulis, ada pula lembar-lembar lama yang kembali dibuka. Yang akhirnya kita sesali, karena kita selalu tahu apa akhirnya. Ada memori baru bertumpuk dengan yang lama. Namun pada akhirnya, hidup perlu melaju. Pada akhirnya kita melepas siapa pun yang datang, pun yang pergi dan tak dapat digenggam lagi


// refleksi hari ketiga, sekian minggu tanpanya.
05.01.26; 5.53pm

#30HBC2602 - catatan hari kedua

harum piring-piring semerbak di ruang ini. wajah-wajah lama di tahun yang baru. tempat yang sama, jauh dari rumah. makanan demi makanan menghampiri, restoran favorit yang mirip namun di kota berbeda. rasanya menggigit, ada cubitan kecil dalam hati mendapati semua tak lagi seperti sedia kala. ada tempat-tempat yang tetap berdiri—sama, dan seolah semesta yang selalu tak peduli—kita melaju. 

serakan konfeti telah habis. lengang jalan membuatku merasa kecil di kota yang selalu padat hingga malam menghampiri. gedung tinggi menjulang, menatap gadis kecil yang menggantungkan harap. seolah dapat membelah langit berpolusi ini dengan sekian mimpinya, seolah ia bisa menjadi sesuatu di tempat yang anehnya terasa seperti rumah—padahal tak pernah menjadi rumahnya. 

tahun kembali bertambah satu, kalender kembali ke bulan satu. berharap tak lagi dikelabuhi awan kelabu. melepas semua yang menambah biru, meski setengah alasanku hidup tak lagi dapat kugenggam utuh. dan akhirnya, semua yang ditulis adalah sekadar kata. yang ada, hanya bayang. dan hari akan berganti, berharap menemukan alasan baru untuk bertahan esok hari. 


// hari kedua di tahun yang baru.
05.01.26; 01.02pm

#30HBC2605 - i loved you, and i am really sorry.

Last August. 2025. 
Last phone's rang and there you were. The voice that haunts my nights til now, the voice that I miss the most. How can I miss someone that I thought I never had feelings for? Or did I just lie to myself all the time? 'Cause every time we crossed our paths (in force, of course), your heart tied to someone not mine. Even though you told me you loved me, even though sometimes the flirts ended the night. 

Last summer, I told you things that's haunted my mind. You couldn't even answered the anxious questions I asked to myself. And maybe, you didn't like how I sound... or the questions... or even me. You walked out of my life and my nights turned to cold. The blankets were never enough to warm me up. The life after you was never the same

Last week, I saw her silhouette. It's clearer than the stories you've told me. It's becoming real. I've thought about how I felt and my friends said maybe someday I could talk about it. But the time your hands were tied to her, it became clear. Like things I've told you, I never wanted to walk into someone's relationships. And that's the line. That's my closure

Last night, I felt the walls I've built trembling but never fell apart. You were trying. I've been trying. But maybe our feelings never knocked it down. Maybe my feelings never enough to knock down the walls of not trusting anyone


// i was a dick, and it is what it is
05.01.26; 12.49pm

2 Januari 2026

#30HBC2601 - starting over and over

It's been years that I remembered the time we took the lost time back in order. Drinks in some malls downtown, books I bought somewhere on the West, stories shared in between riding on the roads. Never remembered the exact time we landed on phone calls across the sea. Never remembered the time when this heart bloomed and fell. 

It's been months since the last time we spoke. As the sun rose up, you were gone by the wind. I thought that it's only a full moon—like we always did. But my notification's dead. My last chats never been answered. And like the sociopathic stalker, I only knew how you are by the stories up on your social media.

It's been weeks. I was so drunk in pain. I've missed our random conversations. Yet I found myself hiding in the dark, painted my wrist red again. To feel, or not to feel. Longing for your voice to be the only thing that cured my insanity. Your calming voice, your dry jokes. Your "I loved you" and my bitter laughs. We circled back to the haunted house of unwanted feelings. Yet I didn't stepped out of it. I was trapped

And now I've realized. It's another day one for me. A clean slate. The fireworks, the noises, the hopes, the kisses. The new year that I always prayed for another new life. And I do really hope it's a new path for me to get out of this place. Your painted blue skies and all the unanswered why. The lost midnight calls and untold "I love you"s


// the day one, the lost one.
02.01.26; 12.15am