#escapril day 1: begin your poem with a reminder you leave for yourself.

1. re-visit the site. 9 a.m. sharp.

2. revise the details.

3. re-render a room. then post-pro. 

4. re-draw the layouts. 

5. re-write the naming on proposal.

6. re-do the storaging system in my room.

7. re-charge my energy.

8. re-live a life without you in it.

quiet night. un-washed clothes. burn-out. you're not here anymore. 

i let the notes grow over the time and the last thing i do was moving on. i mean, really overcome the heartaches. for over a year, i just piled those things up on the corner of my heart. the feelings, the aches, the past. i just went day by day, wished that your trace became something that i left on the back of my mind. it is on the back of my mind though, and i still carry it like it was yesterday. the haunting sound of your laugh, your story, your dreams. the haunting regrets of me never said how i really felt for over five years. doesn't it sound crazy now?

tired eyes. lost soul. 

and then i wished it's just another five years of we keep on the unknown bond. like we did. like we always do. a safe space where we poured the secrets, because no one knows who i am like you did. gosh, i wished it wasn't you that knew my naked soul. someone that i didn't need to arrange any wise word to. someone i didn't need to be somebody else to. yet, you left with someone else. 

your ghost. my sorrow. our secret garden. 

i'm still standing under the lamppost, the same one back on the february when everything's fine. still hoping, even though i knew. the ring on her finger, the smile you posted, the city i don't recognize anymore. it's just a nail in a coffin full of remorse, mourning for the unspoken i love yous. pieces of heart i tried to bury, pieces of past you've dealt with. 

church's bell rings. the death of me. 

oh lord, if it wasn't for me, let my heart go numb. 

// a life after you. 

01.04.26; 01.05am