day 25: stuck in the moment

and when i looked into those eyes

—mesmerized,

the warmth, the home, the anchor 

somewhere i've wanted to stay 

someone i couldn't be with

our fingers intertwined, one last time

the time's frozen up 

let me capture you in my heart 

the calming smile i used to see,

even when the chaotic mondays hit 

the starry eyes lookin' back at me,

when i've told you the annoying coworkers

your contagious laughters,

makin' the room felt lighter 

—and then the clock hits twelve,

i'd rather lose your number 

than the pair of glass shoes i've loved,

i'd rather lose you than the last piece of my peace 

// unstuck every piece of us. 

25.02.26; 3.54pm 

day 4: does the story end happily?

i have this firmly believe that someday—i don't know when though, that i could be madly in love again with someone that gives the same energy as i am. that i'd be finally feel content with my life (i'm not saying happy because life's suck, sometimes) and regretting anything. that even if i face any bad days, someone will bring me a scoop of choco-chip ice cream and laugh the shit together. 

i still believe in love though. looking at how my father and my mother still stand together after all the storms, laughing at stupid things my father did after they argued hard things that felt like a bomb. hoping that someday—i still don't know when though, i could be with someone like i dreamt about my parents do until now. 

approaching late 20s made me realized of things i still wish for when i saw how cool my friends' life are (at least like what i've seen on my social media). it's not even half of them anymore, all of my friends are married now. some of them start to think about their children's school. another half are on their honeymoon phase and their travel stories are lined up so cool. little did i know, i'm still hoping that someday—i still don't fucking know when, i could taste the life that they've showed on instagram. 

hey, future me. this is a letter from me anxiously approaching 28 in couple of months. maybe you've seen this in your 30s (i still think about maybe it's not in near future though), but... are you happy now? when did the life turn out as cool as what you saw on the internet?

// how's life now in the future though? 

04.02.26; 7.48pm

day 1: a touch of sadness

hello. been quite a while of down time. been quite a while for kicking you out of my mind. the pictures of her kissing your cheek, or your words up on your stories of how amazing she was. been quite a while of this madness inside my mind that i didn't quite understand how to calm the storms. because you left, leaving out the mess, leaving me behind with promises and ashes of past i've tried to bury. 

i've been running on nights, like some obsessive runners tried to catch their strava trackers. meanwhile, i was just trying on catching sweat and more tiredness to my body so i didn't have time to think about you late at night. because on last February i could catch you on a call, in all my midnights, in the midst of chaos. on last February, everything was just another days with you somewhere, and we were fine. 

lately, i've been stuck on writing these things. my words were spiraling as i hated my pieces i've made about you. it's all about the pasts, the past we tried to let go, but never been forgotten. it's hanging somewhere we could casually catch whenever we missed the old days. i've been missing those days. but i couldn't crossed the line now that she's on your arms. like i've said to you months ago, like this undefined string we had for years. we danced to this unknown feelings, tried to let go, but pulled right back to the start. to the past we've tried to let go. but never been, maybe we never will. 

these days... i've tried to let go of these feelings. trying hard to put you on these ugly poems you won't read like those birthday notes i sent to you. because maybe, in between these lines, i finally can rest a while from thoughts of you. hoping that as i dumped all my feelings in these words, i could finally step out of this hell hole of undescribed feelings. because if it was love, then i don't want it anymore. 

// touched my face, lingering sad eyes. 

01.02.26; 11.46pm