#30HBC2606 - to the hands that lend me a help:

i've been staring at my fingers, they intertwined to each others. warmed itself while i was running under the rainy sky. the cold was never the problem, yet the loneliness to go through the grey-ish days tried to shaken up my walls. they left— and i've tried to be unbothered. (never been a success attempt)

i've been staring at the windows from the outside. meals, festivities, warm hugs. the christmas people celebrated, the time i decided to be alone. happy faces, lonely heart. and your smile from across the room was enough for me to walk away. 

i've never been able to blame them to raise me as a tough eldest daughter. i've been successfully avoiding the weakest, walked alone through the worst time of the year. i've been the one they turned into when the hard days came over, but never cried at their shoulders. i've been the one they relied on with their deepest, darkest secrets—because they believed that i wouldn't tell any soul. (which soul i'd tell to if there's none)

but those hands that's been trying to take me out of this darkness, never successfully saved me. even from myself. cuts, scars, bloods, tears. every eldest daughters you've met has their own under their skin. even when they wore their best little black dresses, you would never shed the mask they always carried. yet people would always said, eldest daughters were the ones you could count on to.

// hands that i denied. 

08.01.26; 4.56pm