and you're becoming

another reason

why i'm losing sleep

for the late night phone calls

and reels slide into each others' DMs

and the unspoken

i love you

hanging on my tongue

never been said

notes about heartbreak, x.

it's like when i needed to ease the pain,

you'd always be there.

but not here.

but if you said so,

i would dropped everything and ran into you. 

in one blurry sunset you've longed for answers.

and i see your lifes in the blink of my eyes 

every version of us—

in every universe that's been branched 

when i traveled through time

the pain, the longing, the love 

i see you through the lens of my grief

regretting for limited hours we've spent

the cold that wrapped me at the north

opened up the tunnel to our past

should i go back in time 

or should i just let you go 

buried peacefully in smokes

a place where my heart lies 

and will never ever heals

yet i will still choose you

in every universe,

in every chances i've got to love you 

// the time traveler.

18.07.25; 11.50am

day 14: nothing here is permanent

i once listened to a song written by my favorite. when it came out, i was in a state where i didn't even know when i'd be healed. from all the doubts and fears, from the scars they left when they decided i wasn't the one for them. i'd be lying that somehow, i felt so small. the ghosts of their presences, the memories that haunted my days, the rings that i heard somewhere in the middle of the nights, and so on. that days, i'd be lying if i told you i was fine. because even my social medias became a place i feared the most. those days, i thought the pain wouldn't last. 

and listening to the same song these days, i realized maybe in this life... nothing is absolute. weathers changed, people came and gone, places built and replaced, memories might be remained in our hearts but we learnt to deal with the pain. the storm might be stayed for a year, but soon after, the rainbow smiled back at us. and when you realized, she's true. this pain wouldn't be for... evermore. 

// and it's still July when I'm down at my knees. 

14.07.25; 4.12pm

day 10: god is on the radio

it was rainy all over the city

when the radio played out throwback hits 

from different eras of our lifes 

the DJ decided to play a metal band you used to love

it was huge when it came out around high school

all internet cafes around the block would play that

until you felt sick just to listen the intro of the song

but that's not the song that i would tied you into 

yet the band will always be your favorite 

it's the song that you told me has its eight minutes long tune 

and that one my favorite song to seize the day 

and, god, i miss you 

to the high school times as well as those few calls

either you're drunk or my bad nights 

and do you ever think about me 

when the radio decided to play that blonde girl

people used to hate? 

// radio of memories 

10.07.25; 10.59am

i miss you 

and there was none of beautiful words

that i could write to exaggerate the way i feel

sometimes it's just a simple phrase

to cover up all the emotions

sadness, longing, missing 

people came and gone, i know 

but losing you is the last thing i could imagine 

you knocked on my door, over and over again 

just for me to find your ghost

hanging around with all those old stories 

put new scars to the shattered heart

how can i recover from this madness? 

i don't even know if i wanted to be fine

it's just... i don't know what i want in this life anymore.

// 

08.07.25; 10.16am