notes about heartbreak, iii.

It was late in the night some time in last February when my head's entered the dark space. I always forgot that your clock's an hour earlier than my timeline, so that my message lost in your notification. I still don't know why you're still the one that I first thought about when I was in this bad shape—like what I feel right now. Maybe those whiskeys and honest stories we shared, first-born scars we carried all our lifes. We bonded through things we loved—in two different styles. Yet, we ended up nothing.

I never realized it was a Valentine's day. We talked about mundane things, everything except the clouds that's been hanging around my head. The concert I've attended, the overpriced jars you searched for, stressing jobs we went through... just life, in general. Because life had been tough for both of us, and this was the escapism from whatever we've been stucked into.

I remember the night when you said about those things about me. About loves you had in the past, about several years I've been out of your life, and how this life's been treating you. I remember when you're drunk enough, and I fell for it. I was drowning into something I couldn't described, because if it's love—the universe always sent me red signs. My friends told me to back off. My travel buddies just said 'no'. And all I kept doing was lying to myself, because you're the only one that's been a place I shared about things I wouldn't tell them about. Maybe, I just had to tell them about it instead of you.

And I saw you... with another internet beauty. Places that I won't be fit in like the exes you've had. Maybe it's warning sign, maybe it is the sign. And all I've been thinking about for the last 6 years, maybe it was the best that I let the bridges burn. Maybe it is the best to let it stays buried like the last decade I've been okay without your presence in my life.


// que sera, sera
26.04.25; 7.08pm 

notes about heartbreak, ii.

it still feels like i hurt my back. that my back has a hole that's taking out the heart out of its own place. heartbreaks are the worst.

notes about heartbreak, i.

i don't think people will ever be prepared enough to be left behind, both when they're passed away or simply just moved on with their life. there's still aches and hollow, and i don't think we will ever recover from that. we're just... used to. with the pain. with the blues. and then we go, hoping everything would be easier. hoping that the work or study we do, would ease the pain for the day. leaving the nights filled with questions and cries. and then there life goes, used to with all the sorrows. hoping something could ever fill the hole in your life...

/ i'm out of breath /

it felt like the air running out its presence

the heart aches from things i don't know about

hardly taking any breath—

gasping with unseen scars you carved

as her silhouette became clearer

and then there were none—

silence—like the notification as you left

i bet my phone won't ring anymore

and as i realized too late 

i love you

and it's ruining my life 

// a little too late 

16.04.25; 10.09am

Day 104 of 365: Current Playlist

new playlist for this month