22 Juni 2026

untitled notes, to untitled feelings.

kita adalah jejak-jejak setapak masa lalu yang perlahan terkikis waktu. bebatuan itu telah ditanami rerumputan hijau, sedikit demi sedikit menutupi arah jalan pulang. ke masa di mana rasa bertumbuh, ke rumah yang bukan lagi milikku. dalam genggamnya kau menitip seuntai emas dibalut nama belakangmu. dalam pesonanya, kamu perlahan beranjak dari semestaku. 

kita tidak lagi bersatu dalam gelap malam. di mana aku membisikkan seutas mimpi, dijalin dengan cerita-cerita hidup yang terbagi. kepada duniamu yang jauh dari gapaianku. dan duniaku yang enggan kau pilih untuk diselami. dua setapak yang beriringan, namun tak akan pernah bersilang. se-jalan pulang, pada pintu yang berbeda. 

kita adalah suatu masa, tak ber-asa. tak punya nama. tak dimiliki
sampai kita bertemu pada kata sepakat. tidak perlu diadili, siapa yang lebih besar mempunyai rasa. tidak perlu ditimbang, seberapa banyak sesal tanpa kata. waktu yang telah terbuang, mereka hanyalah waktu kala kita meratapi lara. semua telah menjadi kenangan, dan waktunya menutup pintu itu. 

kita telah menjadi museum. atas hati yang saling kita patahkan. atas cerita yang ditulis, bersaing mencari siapa antagonis dari kisah ini. atas masa lampau, yang akhirnya hanya dapat kita lihat. kagumi

aku tersenyum melihat bayangmu perlahan menjauh menjemput sang mentari. dalam duniaku yang gelap bertitik gemintang malam, aku titipkan semua yang telah kutuliskan tentangmu. kepada rumah lama yang kini telah kita tinggalkan. kepada sang rembulan, kita tutup kisah tak memiliki akhir ini. 


// adalah akhir, dari segala takdir
22.06.26; 9.59pm



now playing:
taylor swift - the 1

29 Mei 2026

if this a restart
from all those breakdowns 
to all the sunshine & butterflies
i hope
this time, ends well 

22 Mei 2026

ps: 
if you dare to say goodbye
i'd say goodbye too
and never bother anymore

H+9.

i feel like my 20s is the longest phase of my life. it's only 28 right now, but it felt like it's been twenty additional years from my teen ages. heartbreaks, lost of some family, pandemic, global economic issues, wars, lost sparks about life. it's been both of highest highs and lowest lows. depressing time, lonely hours. nothing to hold on to, lost in the damn wide ocean

ten years ago, i thought i knew what my life would be. i thought, i figured out my life since i was in a path i've made. a partner in my 20th, graduated in 21st, having a job since then, married at 27th. and maybe having a kid (or two? i don't know). but normal life stopped at twenty nineteen and your life turned to be a survival mode. 

mondays were for figuring out what to do the next four days. in tuesdays, you felt like you worked twice harder than any days. your boredom hit its best at wednesdays, two more cups of coffee to cure it. you've longed for weekends on thursdays, and the week felt a little bit longer than usual. the chaos before weekends started to hit fridays and you ended up takin' overtime to get done everything. saturdays were for keeping up with your sleeps or your closest friends and family. sunday mornings were for laundry and cleaning up your weekly mess at home. when the clock's finally hit evening, your soul started to be drained for mondays. 

and the cycle goes on and on and on. i've lost myself to the mess. the hands that tried to help, i smiled and said "no, thanks". the words that screamed s.o.s., i joked it as an ugly poem. sometimes i wished i could go back into the time where i decided to be somewhere far away from home. or maybe further back when i chose where to get my degree. or maybe going back more than that. some choices made you better, but most of them were lesson learnt. like the love i've lost to the hands not mine. like the major that maybe i liked it 25% better than the path i took. like home that should've been closer to the heart.

it's only 28 right now. they said life expectancy of a woman in this country is at 74. another 46 years of me figuring out what chaos i'll be into. but maybe, it's another 46 years of better chances. at least, i'll never be as young as today anymore


ps:
have fun in the last 2 years of your twenties. 
cheers. xo.

15 Mei 2026

we are, daughter(s) from hell.

hello, from below the mother earth. 
where you shoved the blame,
put the flame to all the evidences. 
we are the daughters of forgotten daughters. 
they were your mothers
your grandmothers, great-great ones
a box full of lost dreams, regrets. 
they witch-hunted our spirits, 
let us burnt with the rage.
they smirked, with fire in their eyes. 
life flashes in ours.
the fire lived in our soul,
the drive to change the world. 
where in this world we have a place?
hello, from the hell you put us into. 
watch our wrath annihilate your ego.


// monsters you made.
15.05.26; 3.50pm

7 Mei 2026

day 7: looking over my shoulder (lettersfrrompersephone)

the world we once knew, falling apart. the west, the east, even the country we deeply love and hate. for all i know, we're not okay. will we be okay someday? 

the new normal became a term that undefinable. we talked, we worked, the streets seemed going back to the traffic we once hated. yet the air felt different. the price went off the market. people we knew, new graves we visited. lookin' out the window, you felt like you're not sure about the future

for quiet some time, you're looking out your shoulder. you breathed the air fine, but are you sure it's only the oxygen that coming into your life? you walked down the street like you used to, but are you sure you're okay walking alone at the night not knowing how people thought about the smallest opportunity? you've spent enough money for coffees to get out of your bed, but are you sure you still have enough to live for another paycheck? 

breathe in. 
breathe out. 

and the news came in.
new virus' unlocked. 

i think i'm close enough to be called crazy rather than getting married someday.


// is there any 'one day' anymore? 
07.05.26; 9.06pm

5 Mei 2026

day 5: my veins are filled with ink

i don't remember the first time i tried to talk through these words. i am the first-born child who tried to express how i felt, but my brain stopped me from making any facial movements about all those kind of emotions. they tried to define, yet i hid it all well underneath a poker face. the mask i've put on, the mask that said "i am perfectly fine". 

these papers are the evidence of feelings that got lost in time. they said i was so hard to please, i didn't wear my heart on my sleeve. so they walked away, leaving a trail of comfort i once felt when they're around. i've got friends that knew me well, who stood by me after every storm. but the love i've wanted, the ones that carved scars and memories. 

and if i were a book, i would title it a book of regrets. of decisions i chose, of people i left behind, of places i wish i could be in, of who i could've become. those words i wish i could've said it to you, the words that i'd rather turn it into poems. and i shove them all into boxes, tried to move on with all the broken parts of me. and i've moved on, with the walls up and vitrified heart. with the last part of me within the pages you've read. 

for all the wrongs i've done, 
i am forever sorry. 

and for all the love i've never said it,
i'll forever drunk from inks that bleed in papers.
letters to all, letters to none


// and maybe, there will be another ten thousand pages
05.05.26; 1.19pm

3 Mei 2026

day 3: what brings me genuine joy lately

lately, i love to rediscover things in life. like;

playing badminton
somehow i found joy to play it every weekend now. to move my body other than built strength with home pilates i tried from youtube. to meet strangers in the court, to just people watch. because human are complex that i'd like to just observe how they do, or feel, or other humanly things. i've lost my way to feel, and i would like to know how to do it again. 

or ordering good old wonton soup
i have this specific love for chinese food and it's like... undeniable. when i'm down, or sick, or it's a rainy day, i'd like to order any chinese food and today i ordered a good old wonton soup. it warms my heart because it feels like home. some place that out of my reach these days. 

or listening to the tortured poets department
another album that i could replayed it from top to bottom without a skip. back then (or i am still?), i was proudly a 1989 deluxe album fan. the pop bible, they said. the it album. but two years ago 'til now, i always found a new day with a new favorite from this album. i remember the first time i was blown away with songs like florida!!! or down bad. or crying the shit out to the prophecy (who's not?). i—might be—had a moment with the newest album. but until i knew that you liked that one song, i remember that i had never play it again. and now i'm coming back to loml because i'm still not the real tough kid

or when you came back around.
it's been a while. it's been a year. and still, no other word could describe how i feel.


// 
03.05.26; 10.18