my new favorites and other things i'm not telling you anymore.

did i ever told you about this new old band that became a new favorite in my playlist lately? the lyrics are kinda queer, but i love the sound. kinda hopeless romantic, like feelings i have towards you. lately, they've been on repeat. some of the lyrics reminds me of you. but it's okay, i'm a bit better than the last time you heard from me. 

this new year, i wanted to kinda back on the reading habit. i've done 4 novels and a poetry book recently, and it's kinda exciting. i have this spare time since you left, and the fictions helped me get through the night. and it's okay, truly. maybe i'm getting there with these romcoms i've read. maybe, within these pages i could forget you in time. 

lately, i'm ordering cold brew with some unique flavors. last weekend, i tried the vanilla sweet cream with less sugar. and i added that to the list of my newest favorites. the midday's kinda sweaty right now, and the iced coffees become a go-to-drinks. i kinda ditched those sweet heavy drinks we tried back on that time we wandered through a famous mall. my life became a bit bitter without you in it, and it reflected on how i saw things. 

some days i lived my life the way i did before you came around. tried new things, went to concerts, did everything by my own self. and that's okay. perfectly fine. and some other days, days like this, i wish that i could go to our bubble chat and told you weird things i've found along the way. like the user experience of an app that's so confusing, or annoying driver who parked asymmetrically in front of my office, or how my food order got mixed up. 

it's been a while. don't ask me if i was counting the days yet. instead of patching up the scars of my words, we let the bridges burnt. ashes down the river, memories up with the wind. my words finally find its home, and this piece is about how i am lately.... how are you though?

// some other things, some little things.

29.04.26; 11.58pm

day 9, part ii.

to be honest, i never knew when the day these feelings started to be something that grew on my mind. i didn't knew the exact date, since our time spanned over the years. over few relationships. and it hit me hard when i tried to examine what our relationship was. it was something undefining for me, the truth is i sometimes still don't understand what was all that. 

in the night, after you're gone from my notification, i tried to bury myself in misery. i overworked myself, drown in my hobbies, tried to put out my feelings into words. kept your voice out of my mind, left my sanity out of the window. you were the anchor to my anxious ass. so when you're out of the picture, i tried to find another way to calm my waves. the tiny tides you've tamed with stories over those midnights. a hurricane you left inside this mind. 

as my memory went to somewhere in two thousand something, my mind's wandering through the roads of this town. i still remember. the houses you judged, you asked for my professional comments about those classics; the cafe on a famous alley after a grocery session, i listened to your rants about her; the house of books, the first time in a while. couple of drinks and fast-foods, hundreds of see ya soon. see you, in another lifetime i guess. 

and i always remember the time i almost surrendered to this love. the time you almost gave up on her and asked me instead. the call when you're drunk and spiraling into old love you always felt proud of. the moment you gave me the key to open the other side. and i thought that maybe we would become something. and we're almost became something. i almost said it to you before you fell for her. and this reality could've been something else. you could've been mine. 

the grandfather's clock strikes twelve. i shove the memories to a box, years of us that meant nothing. whispers of the night; your stories, my songs, your love. keeping it out of my head. clean slate, they said. click the restart button, undone the years we've spent. erasing half of my life that signed by you on it. 

// every shape of almost; hundred of almost 'us'. 

09.04.26; 09.56pm

anadeewrites: midnight's whispers

promptsbyjasmine: distant memory
silentlyloudgirl: shape of almost

day 9.

and 

unlike

you,

the

memory

of 

us

stayed.

// lived in my mind, rent free.

09.04.26; 10.17am

facadeofwords: write an eight-word poem

spokensincerely: everything is temporary

#escapril day 1: begin your poem with a reminder you leave for yourself.

1. re-visit the site. 9 a.m. sharp.

2. revise the details.

3. re-render a room. then post-pro. 

4. re-draw the layouts. 

5. re-write the naming on proposal.

6. re-do the storaging system in my room.

7. re-charge my energy.

8. re-live a life without you in it.

quiet night. un-washed clothes. burn-out. you're not here anymore. 

i let the notes grow over the time and the last thing i do was moving on. i mean, really overcome the heartaches. for over a year, i just piled those things up on the corner of my heart. the feelings, the aches, the past. i just went day by day, wished that your trace became something that i left on the back of my mind. it is on the back of my mind though, and i still carry it like it was yesterday. the haunting sound of your laugh, your story, your dreams. the haunting regrets of me never said how i really felt for over five years. doesn't it sound crazy now?

tired eyes. lost soul. 

and then i wished it's just another five years of we keep on the unknown bond. like we did. like we always do. a safe space where we poured the secrets, because no one knows who i am like you did. gosh, i wished it wasn't you that knew my naked soul. someone that i didn't need to arrange any wise word to. someone i didn't need to be somebody else to. yet, you left with someone else. 

your ghost. my sorrow. our secret garden. 

i'm still standing under the lamppost, the same one back on the february when everything's fine. still hoping, even though i knew. the ring on her finger, the smile you posted, the city i don't recognize anymore. it's just a nail in a coffin full of remorse, mourning for the unspoken i love yous. pieces of heart i tried to bury, pieces of past you've dealt with. 

church's bell rings. the death of me. 

oh lord, if it wasn't for me, let my heart go numb. 

// a life after you. 

01.04.26; 01.05am