with love; confessions of sinners.

i know that i'm not a believer—my friends can vouch for me, but i have confessions to make. and right now, i don't want to go to the priest for my sins. the sins that my friends made fun of after every time i was just done having time with you, the sins that made my heart burst into pieces because sometimes i couldn't handle my feelings, the sins of still looking for you in the crowds—

one;

i've loved you. since i had braces that made me hated my old pictures and damn the teenager's hormones for those acnes. since the last time i saw you on my oversized-graduation-robes and you gave me a bouquet of taylor swift's albums. since you told me you loved me, and i saw silliness yet all i said was goodbye. 

two;

i loved you. in between life and stories. in time when i caught you once in a moonlight. driving the highway with those calls up on my speaker, or 'til one of us fell asleep miles apart. held on to the rope on that fragile bridge, hoping that someday we might be. but both of us always tied to the hearts and we just let it happened. you and your hundredth bouquet of roses to the girls that never been me, yet i always wrote those poems to the wrong ones. neither of us gave up searching for the meaning of love in other hands, but we never tried once again in us. 

three; 

i love you. i told those phrases in between lines, never sent it to your notification. i knew that i was late to realize all those feelings, but no one could ever tell me what love was. those romcoms made me longing for something i couldn't describe, but i can tell you that all i wanted was in you. on feeling secure with who am i, because you knew my cards before the masks i put on for strangers. on feeling calm despite all the chaos of life even just with listening to your concert stories. on feeling loved, but then i never recognized it until you finally left.

four;

goodbye. for a hundredth times now. i've blocked your number and it never worked. i've ran away to another cities and your ghost still chased me. but maybe it hits me when you finally put on your lock to the door i've always knocked, or when your landline's too busy with the love of your life. you drew the line, once again. and i knew my line, at last. it's been years we're circling back to unknown strings that made me questioned life, and maybe this is the end of the race. 

five;

i lied. i've lied to everyone when they asked me if i'm okay. because—i swear to God, it still hurts. to see your name's up on my social medias and it's not with me. to know where you are but not in my arms. but i guess, you knew. and finally, you knew. 

// swear to God, i never wanted to be just friends. 

22.01.26; 8.47pm