move on...?

haven't been drinking all the sorrows for weeks now 

but to know someone new—other than you,

is another task i can not tackle lately

to open up again about all my misery i put in the past

to tell them again all my fears and doubts

to explain again my hopes for tomorrows

how can people jump from the scars of yesterday 

to a new person... easily?

because for me, to finally trust you about myself,

needed a whole decade to pick up the pieces

because i am fragments of hopes and fears

and i put it in a box, locked, 

wishing that the dark side of mine

won't be out to the wrongful hands

// new beginnings, denied. 

23.06.25; 12.48pm

notes about heartbreak, ix.

i don't know if later—after you were gone—

should i pretend that i'm not a freak

for taylor swift's discography

because they called us mad fans 

you were the only one in my life

who bought me her music album 

for me to drown into her songs

and it made me thought

i was just like an ordinary girl 

before you, there was none

and after you, i don't think they'd be 

as understanding as you were 

should i pretend to be someone else

—not the real me,

just for them to accept my existence? 

because you're the only one

who accepted me as who i was 

// i still hope you're not the one.

20.06.25; 2.26pm

Page 160 of 365:

 

omg.

it's already the 38th post of 2025.

and it's only June!

apakah tahun ini emang paling produktif nulis??? entahlah. akhir-akhir ini lagi suka balik buat nulis, dan medium yang aku ga terlalu pikirin estetika etc etc-nya sih yaaaa di blog. i could just dump all the ideas and post. jadi ngga terlalu stressful buat dipikirin. sometimes, memang, its better to get it done than perfect. heheheheh.

x.

and they start to find the end 

will i?

but most of all

i've waited for you to have

a wedding of your own

of course without me in it

will the ache pinch me in the heart?

or finally it's a 'done' 

for all the feelings i thought i still have?

but honestly,

i'm still not ready yet 

for the day to come 

// some of them, i congratulated. 

09.06.25; 8.40pm

wishes, wished.

it's one past twelve wherever you are 

the nearest bell just rings the last echo

it's a hello to your quarter of life

has this life been kind enough for you? 

hopeful wishes blow to the wind

as the candles are out,

and finally the darkness surrenders 

it's been twenty five years of roller-coaster

ups, downs, and lessons learnt 

i've been stay afloat in the sea of uncertainty

and all i could say is that it's okay 

you'll be okay 

it's only the first chapter of your life

you'll meet the love of your life

the family you've longed for,

you can create the best one later 

and finally, the wound heals 

finally, everything falls into the right place 

in perfect timing, at the best time of your life

// belated birthday. 

09.06.25; 5.24pm

day 3: i'll meet you on the clouds

i'm not a fatherless child, yet i long for the caring figure once i had. he once was just a phone-call away when he's flying out there somewhere, carrying love all around the globe. flying high, until it was out of my reach. when i was a little, i didn't know what's lost meant like. it was just a day when he's here, and now every once in a while, i'd visited him on his new house. under the tree where the sunshine peeked through its leaves, his name's engraved and it's becoming an ache sometimes. some of my friends' dads would hold their hands when they walked 'em to the altar, and all i could think about was wishing that you might be here, meeting the person that you'd envy about when i couldn't take my eyes off of him. 

i'm not a fatherless child, because when you went away, i still felt the love you gave when i grew up. i still can get the presence of you in this house, like the frames up on the wall, the couch you loved to spend on with football on TV (by the way, we're sorry to announce that we changed the TV), in anywhere but here. those photos might be the last thing we have to remind us about you, but honestly, i already forget how's your voice. the tone that now i couldn't figure out how it sounds. it's been a decade, and it's sad that slowly your figure becomes a blurry recollection in my mind. 

i'm not, once again, a fatherless child. in this society where they're longing for a father figure because the lack of their presences, i'm longing for someone that's already out of my reach. the father that's been long gone by now. but we'll meet again on the clouds where heaven's singing to welcome us, someday. 'til then, i'll hug your warmth left on this house. 

// lost child. 

03.06.25; 11.47pm 

day 2: still i dream of him

driving down to this memory lane

the road never sounds this quite

yet the stars spark in the dark 

thousands, fillin' in the space between us

as the bridges burn down to ashes

rust grows in our strings

the emptiness speaks louder now 

and my words come to this place

obsolete papers i used to ditch 

they become my new old friends 

i tell them about you 

on how you appeared in my dreams 

because i can't catch you now 

on how your voice become a haunting sound 

bouncing in my head

yet i can't find you in anywhere my eyes could see

i tell them about things we don't have 

feelings i denied, 

feelings you decided to throw out the window

as her silhouette becomes clearer

and your fingers closer to the distance

i still dream about you, sometimes 

more than i should have

but lately i'm feeling fine, unlike the nights 

maybe i should've let you go 

leaving it to the miles behind my back 

but what if my heart hurts 

and it craves your presence? 

what if, my heart still wants you here?

// daydream, daydream. 

2.6.25; 1.25pm

the ugly truth: we are alone in this life

the best news: we are alone in this life

day 1: kissing under a full moon

kissin' you under this street lamp 

across the coffee shop we used to go to 

for the first time 

do you feel how desperate i am 

about the feelings i can't describe 

or how much i wish you would realize

because i'm lost of words 

"i love you" 

sounds like understatement

it's overwhelming 

and i really hope you would understand 

as the moonlight's witnessing this moment

i'm kissing you, one last time 

before i leave

because i know

after this, i'm losing you

and for this time around, maybe it's for good 

// hopeless, won't be romantic. 

01.06.25; 10.06pm

Jakarta, tanpamu.

Gemerlap jalanan kota ini masih sama seperti tahun-tahun yang sudah berlalu. Meski dilewati satu waktu kekosongan ketika semua insan tak menapak jalanan lebar Sudirman, bagian-bagiannya kini tetap dipenuhi asap polusi. Memeluk jiwa-jiwa lelah, mencari sedikit harap di antara ketidakpastian semesta. Ada tempat-tempat yang kupijak dan masih dapat kuhampiri. Napak tilas, istilahnya. Menemui memori maupun manusia yang pernah mengisi. Mencari kehidupan sosial di tengah kesepian. 

Namun ada tempat-tempat di bagian Selatan dari kota ini yang mungkin akan meninggalkan sesak. Akan, kubilang. Karena sampai detik ini, aku belum mampu melewati tempat-tempat tersebut. Ada cerita-cerita yang dibagi di sebuah kedai kopi di tengah Gang Cipete. Kuakui, nama jalanannya tak se-estetik kata-kata yang biasa dimasukkan pada puisi. Namun meyakini puisiku kamu baca, rasanya mustahil. Kamu tidak akan pernah tahu. 

Ada pusat-pusat perbelanjaan yang menjadi tempat kita bersua. Kini aku bahkan tak dapat mengingat apa saja yang telah dilalui, selain cerita-cerita yang dibagi. Karena kita terpaut oleh rangkaian kisah tentang hidup, terjalin menjadi memori yang bahkan mungkin sudah kau lupa. Yang ada, hanyalah ingatan-ingatan dan perasaan ketika jantung ini diremas oleh sesuatu yang tak pernah dapat kudefinisikan. 

Gedung di Barat yang menjadi rumah untuk buku-buku itu selalu membuatku tersenyum. Untuk pertama dari segalanya. Untuk sebuah awal, dari peperangan yang tak akan pernah bisa kumenangkan. Bahkan, sudah kalah sebelum memulai. Untuk semua rasa, yang kini harus kupendam jauh. Untuk dia, yang menggenggamnya adalah kemustahilan. Tanpa rasa ragu, tanpa rasa yang lalu. Karena ia adalah sebentuk siluet yang selalu samar. Cinta, mungkin tidak. Tapi untuk tidak merasa, maka aku akan menambah daftar dosa untuk dusta. 

Di bawah bulan penuh, memandangi jalanan Jakarta yang familier. Karena separuhnya, rasanya tak lagi sama ketika tak ada lagi kamu di dalamnya. Di bawah purnama kali ini, kukecup luka dan kesendirian ini. Lagi-lagi berharap, suatu saat nanti, tak perlu sepilu ini. 

// di bawah langit sendu, lagi-lagi tanpamu. 

01.06.25; 09.44pm 

Untuk #angelealowesprompts day 1: "kissing under a full moon"