the death of us (in my mind).

sunday morning, mourning

tuned in the song, lost in the memories 

put on the band-aids, hoping 

that all the what-if's i whispered to the wind

stranded somewhere in the java sea

a wide open distance kept us apart 

like the unknown feelings we held on to 

wished that someday that never came 

wished that we could be 

but never been 

i once said that 

at least we're under the same sky 

vast universe that keeping us

on the grounds of different cities 

even when we're in the same one

all the signs didn't want to align to our fates 

the red lights didn't change over the nights

you don't even have to ask for it anymore 

at least the scars stays

of dreams you've embroidered

with lies and past tenses

of love that you've proudly told to everyone

and no one's understood 

the lullabies of our death's date singing 

the light's off, and we walked on our own

as our paths that never ever crossed

yes, we lied to ourselves all the time 

and finally i give up 

because i finally understand that

this was something that's only on my mind 

// i'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts. 

30.09.25; 12.09pm

day 9: we meet, we part, we remember

as the rain swept away the cloudy pollution this city held for the longest time, the pain of long lost love mended. the scars healed, but never went away. as we know, the strings loosen up, yet the story's written in the sky. we met, we fell, we parted. and we will remember it all too well. with smile about the good time. with a little dancing of our life. with the churches bell's ring and finally—it's time to fall in love again. it's just not about us anymore. 

// and right there where we stood, was holy ground. 

09.09.25; 04.21pm

love letter to the future you, after my heart's shattered into pieces and healed.

The traffic stopped us somewhere in famous road at the heart of Jakarta. I don't remember what was the conversation now, but all our talks were either our deep darkest secrets or flirty dirty jokes. Your unused camera, yet all our night ride memories captured at the back of my mind. Sparks of the night, non-stop horns, laughs in-between... it's the silence when my heart fell into this unknown feelings. About holding your memories and my stories. About family you've hated and now it's been a working in progress as I remembered. About my dreams and secrets, love that they never got into their DMs. 

The number that you use now is the third in the line. I don't know if I want to save it in my contacts, 'cause you didn't even answer my calls when I needed you the most. When the clouds hanging around, it's clearer now but never went away. When the heart couldn't bear the longing of your voice—miles away from the ground I stood, but all I heard was silence in the middle of the night. When your fingers finally tied to her, after nights you're drunk enough and said, "I love you." Million times—until I didn't even understand what love means anymore. 

The notes I put out in my blog that's been a series of unsent messages to you. You've said that I was an independent girl you gave up on. You said I was unreachable. Yet I found no evidence of your love nowadays, so what's the point of saying "I love you" back? What's the point of me saying to you what's on my mind when it's full of I-miss-you-'s? And what's the point of telling you the reasons after all this time, just to find out that later you became so quiet?

I wrote pages of this kind of love. I made playlist full of confusions. I walked, just to forget how much this pain of longing. I ran away, like I used to, from feelings I never quiet understood. Yet, I found myself hanging into this thin light rope of hopes that you'd understand. But maybe it was a daydream, because once again the hand of this universe made us apart... like we used to years before. Before this. Before 2019. Before all of this time. 

I wrote letters. Of "I love you". Of feelings I wish I could tell you. Of hopes before I went to sleep. Of nights I wished you were here—not only on screens where I analyzed on how-are-you. I wrote these hopes that if it never get to you, then leave it all be. And I hope someday, like any other names before, the sound of your voice won't be a ghost in the night. I hope someday, we'd be strangers and it won't hurt me anymore. 

// letters to future you, if you ever read these lines.

03.09.25; 10.52pm

maybe it's because that i never gave it a try

we just let it be, passed by

the aches never went away 

because you didn't even dare to stay

leaving me dreamt about you in the day 

in nights, silence pulled me away 

your voice became my lullaby 

yet the feelings never goes away

// aches and daydreams.

02.09.2025; 5.32pm