H+9.

i feel like my 20s is the longest phase of my life. it's only 28 right now, but it felt like it's been twenty additional years from my teen ages. heartbreaks, lost of some family, pandemic, global economic issues, wars, lost sparks about life. it's been both of highest highs and lowest lows. depressing time, lonely hours. nothing to hold on to, lost in the damn wide ocean. 

ten years ago, i thought i knew what my life would be. i thought, i figured out my life since i was in a path i've made. a partner in my 20th, graduated in 21st, having a job since then, married at 27th. and maybe having a kid (or two? i don't know). but normal life stopped at twenty nineteen and your life turned to be a survival mode. 

mondays were for figuring out what to do the next four days. in tuesdays, you felt like you worked twice harder than any days. your boredom hit its best at wednesdays, two more cups of coffee to cure it. you've longed for weekends on thursdays, and the week felt a little bit longer than usual. the chaos before weekends started to hit fridays and you ended up takin' overtime to get done everything. saturdays were for keeping up with your sleeps or your closest friends and family. sunday mornings were for laundry and cleaning up your weekly mess at home. when the clock's finally hit evening, your soul started to be drained for mondays. 

and the cycle goes on and on and on. i've lost myself to the mess. the hands that tried to help, i smiled and said "no, thanks". the words that screamed s.o.s., i joked it as an ugly poem. sometimes i wished i could go back into the time where i decided to be somewhere far away from home. or maybe further back when i chose where to get my degree. or maybe going back more than that. some choices made you better, but most of them were lesson learnt. like the love i've lost to the hands not mine. like the major that maybe i liked it 25% better than the path i took. like home that should've been closer to the heart.

it's only 28 right now. they said life expectancy of a woman in this country is at 74. another 46 years of me figuring out what chaos i'll be into. but maybe, it's another 46 years of better chances. at least, i'll never be as young as today anymore. 

ps:

have fun in the last 2 years of your twenties. 

cheers. xo.