with love; confessions of sinners.

i know that i'm not a believer—my friends can vouch for me, but i have confessions to make. and right now, i don't want to go to the priest for my sins. the sins that my friends made fun of after every time i was just done having time with you, the sins that made my heart burst into pieces because sometimes i couldn't handle my feelings, the sins of still looking for you in the crowds—

one;

i've loved you. since i had braces that made me hated my old pictures and damn the teenager's hormones for those acnes. since the last time i saw you on my oversized-graduation-robes and you gave me a bouquet of taylor swift's albums. since you told me you loved me, and i saw silliness yet all i said was goodbye. 

two;

i loved you. in between life and stories. in time when i caught you once in a moonlight. driving the highway with those calls up on my speaker, or 'til one of us fell asleep miles apart. held on to the rope on that fragile bridge, hoping that someday we might be. but both of us always tied to the hearts and we just let it happened. you and your hundredth bouquet of roses to the girls that never been me, yet i always wrote those poems to the wrong ones. neither of us gave up searching for the meaning of love in other hands, but we never tried once again in us. 

three; 

i love you. i told those phrases in between lines, never sent it to your notification. i knew that i was late to realize all those feelings, but no one could ever tell me what love was. those romcoms made me longing for something i couldn't describe, but i can tell you that all i wanted was in you. on feeling secure with who am i, because you knew my cards before the masks i put on for strangers. on feeling calm despite all the chaos of life even just with listening to your concert stories. on feeling loved, but then i never recognized it until you finally left.

four;

goodbye. for a hundredth times now. i've blocked your number and it never worked. i've ran away to another cities and your ghost still chased me. but maybe it hits me when you finally put on your lock to the door i've always knocked, or when your landline's too busy with the love of your life. you drew the line, once again. and i knew my line, at last. it's been years we're circling back to unknown strings that made me questioned life, and maybe this is the end of the race. 

five;

i lied. i've lied to everyone when they asked me if i'm okay. because—i swear to God, it still hurts. to see your name's up on my social medias and it's not with me. to know where you are but not in my arms. but i guess, you knew. and finally, you knew. 

// swear to God, i never wanted to be just friends. 

22.01.26; 8.47pm

'26.

it's already January 22nd and my life already all over the place hahaha. i feel like my life doesn't "set" yet. doesn't have any planned goals yet. my 30hbc & posting schedule are lack on. my body just needed rest over and over again. my budgeting all over the place. omg, my life is a chaos. ofc. 

i didn't think much when i wanted to write this. it's like... i just want to dump all things in my mind. like despite all chaos in my life lately, i'm grateful for the growth & crowd di cafe tebing. kayak... untung aja lagi rame. my fam is fine. i think i won't ever be ready if something is happening again. WW3, please don't happen -_- 

i knew i've lacked on writing what's on my mind lately. but somehow, when i opened up old posts here, i think my poems really represented on how i feel. or my thoughts. sometimes, i just want to write beautiful piece like that and that's it. sometimes, yapping like this. with no intentions. with no 'hard thoughts' haha. but yeah, maybe i need a space to dump my anxious ass on new year.... like i always feel. new year always brings me a lil anxiety about life. heavy thought & heavy hearts. muti had been back to bandung, and i feel like i lost a friend to go out to. so yeah......

anyway. 

i think about moving on with my life. i know that it's always a "late" for me to realize some feelings, like feelings towards him, and when it came to a realization... he's with someone else already. then maybe it's my closure. that's when i drew the line and move on. i knew it's hard to mendem perasaan ini tanpa bilang sama sekali. i knew, ini ga sehat untuk terus-terusan ngerasa begini. but life HAS TO GET TO MOVE. i can't stay and just be. i thought about 30hbc being my "sober" mode, but yea it doesn't work like that. i think writing can not be forced for me because i could write the same thing or sentence and i don't like that. so yea. 

we just move on. 

where the wind takes me. 

what else?

this is happening everytime i don't think about what i wanted to write hahaha. and that sucks sometimes. like, what's the point of writing any of this? none. it's just me throwing out thoughts rather than yapping again. i like to write any of this and maybe... move on. 

maybe my word of 2026:

move on. 

#30HBC2609 - yang bertambah satu pada umur.

lilin-lilin berkerlip redup

tas terbaru terbungkus apik dalam kardus

tahun-tahun bertambah satu

harap ditiup pada usia baru

selamat ulang tahun 

serta mulia untukmu

// 16. 

09.01.26; 08.49am

#30HBC2606 - to the hands that lend me a help:

i've been staring at my fingers, they intertwined to each others. warmed itself while i was running under the rainy sky. the cold was never the problem, yet the loneliness to go through the grey-ish days tried to shaken up my walls. they left— and i've tried to be unbothered. (never been a success attempt)

i've been staring at the windows from the outside. meals, festivities, warm hugs. the christmas people celebrated, the time i decided to be alone. happy faces, lonely heart. and your smile from across the room was enough for me to walk away. 

i've never been able to blame them to raise me as a tough eldest daughter. i've been successfully avoiding the weakest, walked alone through the worst time of the year. i've been the one they turned into when the hard days came over, but never cried at their shoulders. i've been the one they relied on with their deepest, darkest secrets—because they believed that i wouldn't tell any soul. (which soul i'd tell to if there's none)

but those hands that's been trying to take me out of this darkness, never successfully saved me. even from myself. cuts, scars, bloods, tears. every eldest daughters you've met has their own under their skin. even when they wore their best little black dresses, you would never shed the mask they always carried. yet people would always said, eldest daughters were the ones you could count on to.

// hands that i denied. 

08.01.26; 4.56pm

#30HBC2607 - ya ampuun!

tahun telah berganti dan kesadaran itu menghampiri. ya ampun, sudah mau menambah satu tahun lagi ke umur ini! dua puluh delapan, dan sebagian lingkar pertemanan mungkin sudah memikirkan anak kedua. sebagian memikirkan biaya masuk TK, sebagiannya lagi memikirkan biaya pernikahan. aku, dalam sebagian kecil—yang kuyakini sangatlah kecil, dalam dilema krisis menjadi perempuan di akhir dua puluhan. 

berjalan di kota besar ini membuat rasa itu selalu hadir. tentang mimpi, daftar dari hal-hal fisik yang ingin dimiliki (re: ponsel canggih terbaru, buku jurnal yang harganya di luar akal, novel-novel yang seakan tak ada habisnya), tempat-tempat yang nama makanannya mungkin akan susah dilafalkan, orang-orang baru yang inspirasinya ingin kucicip. terlalu banyak hal di dunia ini yang ingin kucapai, dan berdiri di kota penuh asa ini membuatku melupakan sebagian hal yang telah digapai manusia-manusia seusiaku. 

ya ampun! terlalu banyak bicara!

sedangkan katanya, impian jangan terlalu dipaparkan. hanya perlu dirapal dalam hati, katanya. yang menjadi saksi bisu kesuksesan hanyalah foto-foto yang terpajang apik pada media sosial—medianya orang bahagia. namun mungkin, biarlah lembar ini berbicara. bahwa ada sebagian kecil hatiku yang ingin menjadi seperti mereka. 

// yang sepi, yang penuh harapan. 

08.01.26; 4.33pm

#30HBC2608 - rasa, rahasia.

pendam rasa dibalut kata 'kawan'. tahun berganti, namun tetap di dalam lingkar tak berpenghujung. kamu ada, kala hati ini terpaut pada lelaki lain yang bukan kamu. merayu dalam diam, merajuk dalam ketiadaannya. kamu selalu ada, sampai akhirnya ia meninggalkan garis semesta yang kubuat. namun ketika ingin menyapa rasa itu, puan itu menggenggam separuh hatimu. sebuket mawar dan cinta yang diagung-agungkan. aku berdiri di beranda, mengumpulkan serakan hati yang semakin terburai. mungkin memang semestinya kita sama-sama berdiri di depan pintu dan tidak pernah beranjak. hanya menjadi saksi atas berjalannya hidup masing-masing. 

dan lingkar ini tak seperti labirin yang memiliki area masuk pun keluar—meski dihiasi banyak jalan buntu. kita berlari di dalamnya, tarik-ulur tak perlu. aku hanya menunggu, kadang mundur teratur. karena saat ini, yang ada adalah dia, dan netramu tak beranjak. mungkin, kini yang kutunggu hanyalah kehancuran pertemanan ini. mungkin, yang kutunggu adalah kamu berlabuh dan semua rasa yang kita genggam tinggal kenangan. 

// andai matamu, melihat aku. 

08.01.26; 4.18pm

#30HBC2604 - the things that i'll always miss:

over the time, i've missed a lot of my friends' birthday dates. some of them lingered into my minds—like it's the time to celebrate someone's special days, yet i no longer had any recollection of whom was that for. the time passed by, and the only news i've got about 'em was from their instagram's story section. 

sometimes, i feel like i've missed the fun part of being 20s. pandemic days, the stress of the future, struggling with myself. and then, this economic disaster hit upon my late 20s and to keep myself sane, it's just running away at night. tried to stay afloat, barely hanging on. 

these days, i've missed your presence. the short wild ride and the tense flirts. the calls up all night and the texts over DMs. i held on to the last chats like it was the only thing that kept me alive—while you're living your life out there, somewhere. i've tried to lose your number or ignore your existence, just to find myself craving that sweet lies and the lost time of us. 

and maybe in three or five years, i'll miss you. i'll miss your dry jokes and flirty smile. i'll miss my shared story about that blonde girl i used to love and your favorite bands. i'll miss your stories up at night and how you described the differences of UI/UX to my stupid dumb brain. i'll miss these feelings—and then i'll forget about it. because you were the loss of my life. never the are. never been mine. 

// dual definition of miss; i'd rather missed you than miss you.

05.01.26; 10.27pm

#30HBC2603 - tiga hari memasuki tahun yang telah diperbarui.

Kaki-kaki ini melangkah, menyambut akhir minggu pertama di tahun terbaru. Gempita malam itu telah berakhir, tak lagi tersisa di sepanjang mata ini menyapu jalanan Senayan. Jalanan terasa masih kosong, sepertinya sebagian penghuninya masih bermalas-malasan di penginapan-penginapan pinggir pantai—berharap liburan ini tak berakhir secepat tahun berganti. 

Aku punya sekian alasan mengapa hatiku berlabuh di kota yang katanya tak pernah tertidur ini. Kemudahan transportasi umum yang tak dimiliki kota lain. Cuaca yang lebih ramah dari tempatku dulu bertumbuh. Jangan ditanya, tempatnya terlalu panas sehingga mal-mal di tengah kota selalu menjadi opsi utama menghabiskan akhir pekan untuk bernaung di bawah pendingin ruangan. Tempat-tempat baru yang bisa didatangi, meski rasanya sama seperti enam setengah tahun yang lalu. Dimana hatiku bersemayam, dan tak berusaha pergi. 

Kota ini tak lagi terasa asing, namun tanpanya, melewati tempat-tempat yang sama terasa seperti mengenang sesuatu yang tak pernah nyata. Dalam sekelebat mata, semua berlalu. Tak pernah ada potret pasti, namun rasa yang ditinggal menjadi saksi. Dan pada akhirnya, memori itu kuharap semakin samar. Dengan menjejakkan kaki seorang diri, mengganti semua hantunya yang masih berdiri di pojok gelap sudut mata. 

Dan untuk alasan-alasan baru, untuk kembali merasa hidup. Setiap tahun selalu terasa seperti lembar baru, seperti kala pertama menginjakkan kaki di Gambir kala itu. Ada cerita yang ditulis, ada pula lembar-lembar lama yang kembali dibuka. Yang akhirnya kita sesali, karena kita selalu tahu apa akhirnya. Ada memori baru bertumpuk dengan yang lama. Namun pada akhirnya, hidup perlu melaju. Pada akhirnya kita melepas siapa pun yang datang, pun yang pergi dan tak dapat digenggam lagi. 

// refleksi hari ketiga, sekian minggu tanpanya.

05.01.26; 5.53pm

#30HBC2602 - catatan hari kedua

harum piring-piring semerbak di ruang ini. wajah-wajah lama di tahun yang baru. tempat yang sama, jauh dari rumah. makanan demi makanan menghampiri, restoran favorit yang mirip namun di kota berbeda. rasanya menggigit, ada cubitan kecil dalam hati mendapati semua tak lagi seperti sedia kala. ada tempat-tempat yang tetap berdiri—sama, dan seolah semesta yang selalu tak peduli—kita melaju. 

serakan konfeti telah habis. lengang jalan membuatku merasa kecil di kota yang selalu padat hingga malam menghampiri. gedung tinggi menjulang, menatap gadis kecil yang menggantungkan harap. seolah dapat membelah langit berpolusi ini dengan sekian mimpinya, seolah ia bisa menjadi sesuatu di tempat yang anehnya terasa seperti rumah—padahal tak pernah menjadi rumahnya. 

tahun kembali bertambah satu, kalender kembali ke bulan satu. berharap tak lagi dikelabuhi awan kelabu. melepas semua yang menambah biru, meski setengah alasanku hidup tak lagi dapat kugenggam utuh. dan akhirnya, semua yang ditulis adalah sekadar kata. yang ada, hanya bayang. dan hari akan berganti, berharap menemukan alasan baru untuk bertahan esok hari. 

// hari kedua di tahun yang baru.

05.01.26; 01.02pm

#30HBC2605 - i loved you, and i am really sorry.

Last August. 2025. 

Last phone's rang and there you were. The voice that haunts my nights til now, the voice that I miss the most. How can I miss someone that I thought I never had feelings for? Or did I just lie to myself all the time? 'Cause every time we crossed our paths (in force, of course), your heart tied to someone not mine. Even though you told me you loved me, even though sometimes the flirts ended the night. 

Last summer, I told you things that's haunted my mind. You couldn't even answered the anxious questions I asked to myself. And maybe, you didn't like how I sound... or the questions... or even me. You walked out of my life and my nights turned to cold. The blankets were never enough to warm me up. The life after you was never the same. 

Last week, I saw her silhouette. It's clearer than the stories you've told me. It's becoming real. I've thought about how I felt and my friends said maybe someday I could talk about it. But the time your hands were tied to her, it became clear. Like things I've told you, I never wanted to walk into someone's relationships. And that's the line. That's my closure. 

Last night, I felt the walls I've built trembling but never fell apart. You were trying. I've been trying. But maybe our feelings never knocked it down. Maybe my feelings never enough to knock down the walls of not trusting anyone. 

// i was a dick, and it is what it is. 

05.01.26; 12.49pm

#30HBC2601 - starting over and over

It's been years that I remembered the time we took the lost time back in order. Drinks in some malls downtown, books I bought somewhere on the West, stories shared in between riding on the roads. Never remembered the exact time we landed on phone calls across the sea. Never remembered the time when this heart bloomed and fell. 

It's been months since the last time we spoke. As the sun rose up, you were gone by the wind. I thought that it's only a full moon—like we always did. But my notification's dead. My last chats never been answered. And like the sociopathic stalker, I only knew how you are by the stories up on your social media.

It's been weeks. I was so drunk in pain. I've missed our random conversations. Yet I found myself hiding in the dark, painted my wrist red again. To feel, or not to feel. Longing for your voice to be the only thing that cured my insanity. Your calming voice, your dry jokes. Your "I loved you" and my bitter laughs. We circled back to the haunted house of unwanted feelings. Yet I didn't stepped out of it. I was trapped. 

And now I've realized. It's another day one for me. A clean slate. The fireworks, the noises, the hopes, the kisses. The new year that I always prayed for another new life. And I do really hope it's a new path for me to get out of this place. Your painted blue skies and all the unanswered why. The lost midnight calls and untold "I love you"s. 

// the day one, the lost one.

02.01.26; 12.15am