#NotesAboutHeartbreak, xiii.

i just wanted to write 

a final goodbye

a final piece to the notes

i left on your porch

but i never quiet have the right words

it stopped, and dusted

i bet

my heart still won't let go

the aches, the feelings, the memories

the last straw i've held on to 

because what's my sanity means

if it's without you?

—to the north star;

to the north star, 

leading me to anywhere

but never a home to this heart.

i was laying on a cold timber 

shattered

adrift in the sea of uncertainty

lookin' at the dark sky 

countin' on how much stars above

too many i've counted

yet nothing's led me 

to the arms that warmth my heart

it's cold—

the night, the life, the soul 

the scars never been healed

you've added another deep cut

the one i've thought to be the one

yet i was just another one

before the one 

and after the night you've touched

my secrets, my sanity, my reality

the lock's changed

the numbers i've been calling, 

you've blocked mine

i've been searching you

in between the constellations

i've been hoping

you're the home to this heart

yet all i knew

i'm drowning in the sea of loneliness

dying—

as the north stars kinda everywhere

but never to a home

to you

// seeing the stars in my eyes, drunk.

16.03.26; 10.28am

tribute to the moon.

#NotesAboutHeartbreak, xii.

heart breaks 

truth hurts

time's slow down

and then you were gone

bridges burnt

ashes flew

yet

the memories stayed 

i set the fire

to my own heart

believing love once again

but never get the chance

what's changing your mind?

i whispered quietly 

i love you

you've told me 

you're sorry

and i'm sorry too

for time that passed by 

// and that was the moment i knew.

16.03.26; 10a.m.

so if i ever let my heart win;

it's funny to me on how you reappeared on my dream last night. effortlessly charming, magnetically calming. the storm inside my head, slowly turns into tiny tide. as you're holding my heart, and i surrendered to these feelings. as you pulled me into the waves, and drown me in this sorrow. my heart ached for love that lasted as i went along to the sea and never been saved. you let me feel and die. and i let myself down to my knees, begging. 

people always said a funny thing like i never planned to fall but i fall anyway, yet you made the idiom felt so real. you knocked on the back door late at night, that the neighbors wouldn't know. 3 A.M. deep conversations people always glorified for, they said it was the most honest one. and you slipped out off my fingers as the sun went up and acted like we were strangers. blinds up, and i saw her in your arms. it was a nice morning filled with jealousy and loneliness. it was something i wished upon the stars that lasted only at nights. 

but then, my conscious always won. people watching, whispering. so i walked to every directions led nothing to you. my feet's trembling, heart's shattered, longing for something to have. like the warmth of being loved, more than being seen—because that's something you made me feel. or the time that i could call you mine—because you were never been mine. but as i told you that night, i was a dick to leave you once. so maybe it's the time that you left me now. 

if i ever let my heart win, then my confessions would ended with a question: will you be mine? if i ever brave enough, then maybe we would've been something. and then i woke up and saw you with somebody else. and the aches grew, killing the pieces of my heart. so i let my conscious won, one last time. leaving the daydreams about us getting married or having an adventure of a lifetime. leaving behind feelings and into being another strangers with memories. and maybe, in 20 years ahead, i'll just be somebody else you'll forget. 

// back to friends strangers.

03.07.26; 10.27pm