love letter to the future you, after my heart's shattered into pieces and healed.

The traffic stopped us somewhere in famous road at the heart of Jakarta. I don't remember what was the conversation now, but all our talks were either our deep darkest secrets or flirty dirty jokes. Your unused camera, yet all our night ride memories captured at the back of my mind. Sparks of the night, non-stop horns, laughs in-between... it's the silence when my heart fell into this unknown feelings. About holding your memories and my stories. About family you've hated and now it's been a working in progress as I remembered. About my dreams and secrets, love that they never got into their DMs. 

The number that you use now is the third in the line. I don't know if I want to save it in my contacts, 'cause you didn't even answer my calls when I needed you the most. When the clouds hanging around, it's clearer now but never went away. When the heart couldn't bear the longing of your voice—miles away from the ground I stood, but all I heard was silence in the middle of the night. When your fingers finally tied to her, after nights you're drunk enough and said, "I love you." Million times—until I didn't even understand what love means anymore. 

The notes I put out in my blog that's been a series of unsent messages to you. You've said that I was an independent girl you gave up on. You said I was unreachable. Yet I found no evidence of your love nowadays, so what's the point of saying "I love you" back? What's the point of me saying to you what's on my mind when it's full of I-miss-you-'s? And what's the point of telling you the reasons after all this time, just to find out that later you became so quiet?

I wrote pages of this kind of love. I made playlist full of confusions. I walked, just to forget how much this pain of longing. I ran away, like I used to, from feelings I never quiet understood. Yet, I found myself hanging into this thin light rope of hopes that you'd understand. But maybe it was a daydream, because once again the hand of this universe made us apart... like we used to years before. Before this. Before 2019. Before all of this time. 

I wrote letters. Of "I love you". Of feelings I wish I could tell you. Of hopes before I went to sleep. Of nights I wished you were here—not only on screens where I analyzed on how-are-you. I wrote these hopes that if it never get to you, then leave it all be. And I hope someday, like any other names before, the sound of your voice won't be a ghost in the night. I hope someday, we'd be strangers and it won't hurt me anymore. 

// letters to future you, if you ever read these lines.

03.09.25; 10.52pm